The Dark Side of Light, A poem

 The Dark Side of Light

Do you work at the church?

My husband would ask

You're there all the time

I volunteered myself often

With feelings that I had a direct line

Call Jesus up

Heavenly Father hear my prayer

But I never received an answer

When my father on earth gasped for air

There were no miracles

When I closed his eyes 

And ran my fingers through his hair

He laid lifeless 

The air was like broken glass

Every breath painful

It happened so fast

The frantic call came on a Sunday

It was the last day of July 

I'm almost there, Mama just pray

Never foreseeing goodbye

Sprinting to the sliding doors 

I looked from wall to wall

I couldn't see my mama

They pointed me down the hall

Hysterical, confused, mama was terrified

A nurse said it didn't look good

And our hysterics were amplified 

What do you mean? he is strong!

He just needs more help

I could see something was wrong

What happened next is fucking hell

I'll never know why they brought us in

To see them give compressions

But that is when my plea began

I started a confession

Please God, I'm not ready

It's not his time to go

Please daddy, don't give up

We are here, don't let go

Minutes seemed like eternity

Nothing seemed to change

Nurses looked at us with misty eyes

We reciprocated desperation and pain

My knees hit the floor

I held onto him tight

It all came to a halt

His laughter

His might

It was so dark 

Under the bright fluorescent light

That day our hearts turned 

Stone cold 

Once warm and understanding

But when I looked at my mother’s eyes

I wondered why we even bothered praying

Where was my answer God?

I thought I had a direct line

Verses and verses I read

I gave you so much of my time

My trust 

My love

And My life

Give me my time back

I demand it

Answer me

Answer Me

ANSWER ME

Where the fuck are you?

ANSWER ME.

I went back to the place

Where he taught me to fish

The sunset 

Dad must’ve painted it himself

I sat on the pier and I let our of a sound

That even I didn’t know I held

It’s wasn’t a scream, it was a roar

Of the anger and anguish inside

My chapter of grief had just begin

And it appears there’s no place to hide

It finds you everywhere

Right where you are

No reprieve for the weary

Then I remembered a verse

Is that you God, I’m hearing?

Cast all your anxiety on Him

Becasue he cares for you

It made me think of my dad and his net

Casting across the bay he’d say

You can do it, here, you’re next

It was hard to hold, it was heavy

I remember replying I am ready

Once when I was casting 

The weight tossed me into bay

It suddenly consumed me

And looking back on that day

It feels a bit like I casted 

And fell into raging seas

Not able to find the rope 

To give me the reprieve

But Dad taught me to never give up

Hold on and don’t let go

Ride the wave

Catch the glimpse

Nothing can consume you

It’s all just temporary

Temporary indeed 

We can’t escape life or death

We can only live in each moment

Be grateful for every breath

For no one is cast off by the Lord forever

It says in the good book

Though he brings grief 

He will show compassion 

I’m taking a closer look

For he does not willingly bring grief He says

Or bring you your afflictions

My mind still races about that day

And of divine contradictions

Day by Day I feel your presence

It’s my affection that you seek

Some days I reach for you

And others look rather bleak

Maybe in time I’ll give back my time

My trust 

My love

And My life

Today I’ll do a little more 

To shine a little light

- Briana Snellgrove

March 15, 2023